Just wanted to say that I'm still here. I've been working on the next installment in Zuri's story, it's coming along. Right now I'm just not in the best place, I don't have any motivation to do anything productive. I'm living robotically, putting one foot in front of the other and taking care of my son because I have to, not because I feel an urge or whatever.
It's been a rough week, for different reasons and for no reason in particular. Today my goal is just to make it to the end of the day, when I can finally put the previous hours behind me and try to find some solstice in sleep.
My emotions and feelings of grief are all over the place. I'm super confused. I'm trying so hard to cling to God, really I am. I feel like all day I am constantly at His feet begging Him to carry me, heal me, comfort me, give me clarity, give me purpose. If God needs me to let the pain be present and make myself vulnerable before Him, I'm there- all the time. The pain of grief is so real. I know that it will take time to feel like I'm in a different place. How much time? How long must I be broken before I see how He has patched me up? Am I making any progress? Seriously, it's days like today that I desperately wish there was a timeline that someone could show so that I could see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I long for a sense of hope, but I can't find it. Last night I was praying and I felt like God asked me, "Do you still trust me; will you trust me?". I still trust God, and I want to continue to trust Him. Sometimes it's hard to live that out when you know what trusting Him really means: that there will be times when pain will come and possibly never leave you. Chronic pain. Not the kind of chronic pain you can take pills for, or go to physical therapy. This is the kind of pain where you can't find the exact spot that aches and then focus on making it feel better. This pain effects so many areas of life. Sometimes I forget, but then something will happen- or nothing will happen- and it'll hurt all over again.
I'm not making much sense and I know it. Sorry. This is why I say I'm super confused.
How am I supposed to be a mother to a child that isn't here? I can be a mom to Toby, he's here; I can hold him, I can play with him, I can watch him grow and learn. My children in heaven are waiting for me and I'll get to see them one day, ok yeah, I get that. So what am I supposed to do until then? How do I care for them when my mommy love language wants to nurture them here?
So many "how's". If only there was a list of tasks to do in order to feel like I'm grieving properly, in a healthy way.
Everyone says that I need to grieve in my own way and in my own time, but what is that supposed to look like? How do I grieve? I've grieved before, but it was different, less intense. I don't know what is really means for me to grieve, what it should look like. I'm wracked with guilt and feeling like I'm disappointing those around me because it seems like they are moving forward, finding healthy ways to put their grief to use. I'm not there yet. When will it happen? How do I live when it feels like a part of me is dead?
Like I said, I'm trying really hard to cling to the Lord and His promises, His mercy, His grace and love. Days like today are just really hard.
God, please, please, please
I love you, and I want to feel close to you.
Please God, don't leave me.
Your word says that you'll never leave me or forsake me
I believe that.
I want to feel again
To know how to love again.
How to love my husband
My family and friends.
Show me how to love like you have loved me.
Abba, sometimes, like now, this grief is overwhelming.
I don't want to feel like this forever
I know you don't want that for me either.
God, I miss my little girl so much
Please tell her that I love her
God, please, please, please
Get me through today.
Show me how to live
How to live for you.